Once I held tremendous certainty in the way that the world would move.
My angst-ious views were entrenched around 2016, on the deterioration of the world order and its values. America would begin to slip from its overwhelming dominance and fracture the world into competing polarities. Capital would stretch itself too thin in its quest for total capture and wear its veneer loose. Institutions would be liquidated of their own trust as they shamelessly leveraged credence to push discrepant views. All of this is too abstract to prove, but the direction of each sentiment was eventually correct.
None of these were original. They were pawned from conspiratorial, radical circles that only built them up to prove they moved against; but within these groups held sure consensus. Views on the deep state, media manipulation, and mass surveillance had been fully fleshed out over a decade early, not to say with complete accuracy (my spotty, curated memory works hard to conceal that bias), but accurate enough. It is undeniable to say now that these ideas have become mainstream. At that time there was such a shared belief in the world, including from myself; and it is much easier when you believe in the world, to believe in its collapse.
Several days ago was the first time I realized I had lost certainty in where the world was heading. This is not a claim on the accuracy of my prior convictions. Only that once upon a time, I wholeheartedly knew, and that faith carried me into every bizarre, wayward adventure I'd had since. Knowing was my compass and it led me to structure.
I have lost - or better said, outgrown - that juvenile compass. The world seems to have grown with me. How strange to watch such collapse through our 20s. Allegiances shuffle every day, symbols carry no devotion. History is pickpocketed for convenient affidavits to smoosh together and harden and crust another tenable shell of "truth."
It is not so simple anymore to find right by going against the consensus of everyone else. The bets have changed; everyone is thinking in this way.
How sad it was that this was the world I wanted. Now, there is nothing left to be certain of.